ve referred may be
able to adduce some excuse for their existence. A lobster may aver
that if he were not alive his absence would be a severe blow to the
lobster-pot industry, and would throw many respectable families on the
already-overburdened rates. Gutta-percha might plead that it has
aspired through many millions of ages to a maturity which would enable
it to rub out lead-pencil marks. Ballet-dancers would have a great
deal to say for themselves, possibly on moral grounds; but I really see
no reason for Englishmen.

"I have said that an object is real in ratio to its usefulness. If we
examine an Englishman thus pragmatically we must discover that his
usefulness is zero, and we are then forced to inquire why he exists at
all, for he does undoubtedly exist, as witness this pint of porter
which I hold in my hand, and which I do hold in my hand solely on
account of the unexplainable existence of Englishmen.

"I may say at once that I never indulge in this particular form of
refreshment, against which I have nothing further to charge than it
does not agree with my system, but I am no bigot in such matters, and
can quite willingly believe that lower natures and less cultivated
palates may take pleasure in secreting this inordinately lengthy
liquid. I cannot avoid the belief that any liquid which may be imbibed
by the imperial pint is an essentially gross drink, and one unfitted
for persons of a high culture. Nor can I find in nature that any of
the more specialised organisms take their drink in such extravagant
quantities. Camels, who, I am informed, are a very well-behaved and
moral race leading rigorous and chaste lives in a desert, do drink
deeply, but their excess is more apparent than real, for Providence in
an aberration endowed these folk with more stomachs than the average
person possesses, and the necessity for filling these additional
cisterns accounts for and justifies their liberal use of moisture.
Worms, on the other hand, are a folk for whom I have very little
reverence and no affection. I am not aware whether they are all
stomach or all neck, but from their corner-boy expression I am inclined
to fancy that worms would drink pints if they could. Happily, this
disgusting exhibition is forbidden by the imperfect state of their
civilisation and the inelastic quality of their environment.

"But this is beside the point. My grievance is, that in my old age I
am forced to drink porter which disagrees with my l