lavia" (length
four thousand five hundred words) and "Futurism under TROTSKY" (length
five thousand words).

_To the Editor of "The Spectator."_

SIR,--In offering my services to you I may point out how happily my
up-bringing and mental training have fitted me for a post on your
staff. The child of an Archdeacon (who was also honorary chaplain to a
rifle club), I was born in a house with earth-filled walls and brought
up in intimate association with a large number of most intelligent
animals. If desired I am prepared to relate anecdotes of the family
bull-dog and a pet she-goat which will verify my description. I feel
with you that England can only be saved by relying on a Free-Trading,
Non-Socialist, Church Establishment. I loathe alike Mr. ASQUITH and
Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, and think that the intellect of England, which
blossoms so luxuriously in country rectories and deaneries, finds
its best expression in Lord HUGH CECIL. As a specimen of my literary
ability I enclose a middle article on "The Sense of Obligation in
Tom-Cats."

* * * * *

[Illustration: A "POSITIVELY LAST" APPEARANCE.

MR. PUNCH. "ACCEPT THIS POOR TRIBUTE IN RECOGNITION OF MUCH GOOD
ENTERTAINMENT IN THE PAST. I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY ARTISTS WOULD HAVE
DONE WITHOUT YOU."

[The recent withdrawal of horsed cabs from certain ranks in the London
district foreshadows the final extinction of this venerable type.]]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Club Grouser._ "WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?"

_Waiter._ "THAT'S GAME PIE, SIR."

_Club Grouser._ "UMPH! THINK I MUST HAVE GOT A BIT OF THE FOOTBALL."]

* * * * *

CHARIVARIA.

It is rumoured that Professor PORTA has sent a message to Mr. LLOYD
GEORGE, wishing him a Happy New World.

* * *

Mr. Justice ROWLATT has decided that photography is not a profession.
With some actresses, of course, it is just a disease.

* * *

The gentleman who drew 1920 in a fifty-pound sweepstake as the date
of the ex-Kaiser's trial is now prepared to sell his chance for
sixpence-halfpenny.

* * *

"He is not a politician," says Mr. R. HARCOURT in _The Times_,
referring to Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES. It will be interesting to see how
Sir AUCKLAND accepts this compliment.

* * *

A letter posted at Hull for Odessa in July, 1914, has just been
returned to the sender. The postal authorities are thought to take the
view that the sender should b