, Ginger; I would like to give him something in
return--say an old footer-boot--with my foot inside.

Thine in sorrow,

PATLANDER

* * * * *

New Golfing Records.

"Mr. ---- then holed his fourth for a three."--_Sunday Paper._

"---- played very fine golf on the outward journey and stood 5
up at the second hole."

_Evening Paper._

We suppose that in each case the player's opponent wasn't looking.

* * * * *

From a sale catalogue:--

"Pretty Light Grey Georgette Jumper, trimmed Grey Wool and
Saxe Blue.

Usually 5 gns. 6-1/2 gns."

No wonder they call it a jumper.

* * * * *

"ST. ----'S CHURCH.
6.30 p.m.--Preacher: The Vicar.
7.45 p.m.--Bach's Church Cantata,
'Sleepers, Wake.'"

_Provincial Paper._

We suspect the organist of being a bit of a wag.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Slightly deaf Footman (announcing each guest in
character)._ "MR. JONES--THE LAST OF THE BANDIES."]

* * * * *

THE WHAT-NOT.

"Look here," I said, "this is indeed serious. The what-not's
moulting."

"It's been like that for a long time," said Anna. "But I suppose it's
getting worse."

"I'm afraid so. And we _must_ have something reliable," I said, "to
stand dishes and things on at meals. We can't pile them all on the
table at once like a cairn. To tell you the truth," I added, "I've had
my eye on an old oak dresser at Smalley's for a long time. It would be
a good investment--at a price."

"Yes," said Anna; "but I suppose the price would be the earth and the
fulness thereof."

"That is precisely what I propose to find out, and if they'll take
anything less than thirty pounds it's ours. In the meantime," I added,
"we'll dope the poor old what-not with furniture cream and see about
driving it to market."

There are two accepted methods of dealing at old furniture shops.
The first is to approach them, well-groomed, be-ringed and perfumed,
smoking a jewelled gasper and entering the shop with a circular
movement of the arm to expose the gold wrist-watch that _will_ crawl
up the sleeve at wrong moments, and to ask in a commanding voice, "How
much is the--ah--oak-dresser--what?"

The presiding genius (and being a dealer he is usually a genius), who
had really ticketed the article thirty pounds, approaches it