'm fast asleep at home,
And measure steps and skirts and things and mark what state folks keep
at home;
Watch the toilette of young Beauty on the very strictest Q.T. too,
Evangelise the Army and keep sentries to their duty, too,
On the Navy, and the Clergy, and the Schools, my wise eyes shoot lights,
Sir.
I'm awfully particular to regulate the footlights, Sir.
I preach sermons to my soldiers and arrange their "duds" and duels, too,
And tallow their poor noses, when they've colds, and mix their gruels,
too;
I'll make everybody moral, and obedient, and frugal, Sir--
In fact I'm an Imperial edition of MCDOUGALL, Sir!

ALL.

He'd compel us to drink water and restrain us when to wed agog;
In fact he is the model of a Modern German pedagogue.

I've all the god-like attributes, omniscient, ubiquitous,
I mean to squelch free impulse, which is commonly iniquitous.
But what's the good of being Chief Inspector of the Universe,
And prying into everything from pompous Law to puny verse,
If everything or nearly so, shows a confounded tendency
_To go right of its own accord_? My Masterful Resplendency
Would radiate aurorally, a world would gaze on trustingly
If only things in general wouldn't go on so disgustingly.
Where _is_ the pull of being Earth's Inspector autocratical,
When the Progress _I_'d be motor of seems mainly automatical?

ALL.

Hooray! My would-be Jupiter, a _parvenu_ is told again
He's not the true Olympian, Jack-in-the-Box is "Sold Again!!!"

* * * * *

"ARTIFICIAL OYSTER-CULTIVATION," read Mrs. R., as the heading of a par
in the _Times_. "Good gracious!" she exclaimed, "who on earth would
ever think of eating 'artificial oysters!'"

* * * * *

NOTHING is certain in this life except Death, Quarter Day and stoppage
for ten minutes at Swindon Station.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SO CONVENIENT!

_Young Wife_. "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, REGGIE DEAR?"

_Reggie Dear_. "ONLY TO THE CLUB, MY DARLING."

_Young Wife_. "OH, I DON'T MIND THAT, BECAUSE THERE'S A TELEPHONE
THERE, AND I CAN TALK TO YOU THROUGH IT, CAN'T I?"

_Reggie_. "Y-YES--BUT--ER--YOU KNOW, THE CONFOUNDED WIRES ARE ALWAYS
GETTING OUT OF ORDER!"]

* * * * *

PARLIAMENT A LA MODE DE PARIS.

SCENE--_The Chamber during a Debate of an exciting character.