background suggests that the female should be boiled in
a sugar-sack. A more humane person expresses the hope that she will be
bombed that night.

"But, Madam, consider your friends," I proceed.

"Don't you call that lot my friends! I'm 'ere fer a pound of marge,
and get it I will if all the bloomin' speshuls come 'oo 're doin'
reglar coppers outer jobs."

Public opinion in the queue takes a sudden turn. One lady remarks that
these speshuls are that interfering. Another alleges that she has no
doubt I have sacks of sugar at home.

I remember the Inspector's counsel about moving on, and move myself
on.

There is one man in England who proclaims himself absolutely unfitted
to fill the Food-Controller's position.

I am that modest person.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Stage Manager._"THE ELEPHANT'S PUTTING UP A VERY
SPIRITED PERFORMANCE TO-NIGHT."

_Carpenter_. "YESSIR. YOU SEE, THE NEW HIND-LEGS IS A DISCHARGED
SOLDIER, AND THE FRONT LEGS is AN OUT-AND-OUT PACIFIST."]

* * * * *

Broody.

"WHIST DRIVE.--A sitting of eggs was given by Mrs. ---- for the
lady or gentleman sitting the greatest number of times
consecutively."--_Worcester Daily Times._

* * * * *

"In Captain ----'s boat all the men survived, although full of
water."--_New Zealand Paper._

In the interests of temperance we protest against "although."

* * * * *

"RUSSIAN TROOPS MUTINY.

Petrograd, Saturday.

The Minister of War has given orders to disband the regiments, and
to bring the officers and men responsible before a court-marital."
_East Anglian Daily Times._

That's right. Let their wives talk to them.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "I'LL LEARN YER TO CALL ME 'LITTLE WILLIE.' MY FARVER
DON'T ARF KNOW 'OW TO KILL GERMANS. AN' _I'LL SHOW YER WHERE HE GITS
IT FROM!_"]

* * * * *

=OPEN WARFARE.= Men said, "At last! at last the open battle!
Now shall we fight unfettered o'er the plain,
No more in catacombs be cooped like cattle,
Nor travel always in a devious drain!"
They were in ecstasies. But I was damping;
I like a trench, I have no lives to spare;
And in those catacombs, however cramping,
You did at least know vaguely where you were.

Ah, happy days in deep well-ordered alley