er about the impression you're going to
make on Frederick. Take example by me. I've got a hat on."

"You have," I said fervently. "It has grazed my face more than once."

"It is feeding," she said, "on your damask cheek. But I'm quite calm
in spite of it."

"But then," I said, "you never knew Rowell."

"No. Who was he?"

"Rowell," I said, "was a schoolfellow of mine, and he had a father."

"Marvellous! And a mother too, I suppose."

"Yes," I said, "but she doesn't come into the story. Rowell's father
had a passion, it appears, for riding, and one dreadful afternoon,
when we were playing cricket, he rode into the cricket-field. _He was
wearing trousers, and his trousers had rucked up to his knees._ It was
a terrific sight, and, though we all pretended not to see and were
very sorry for young Rowell, he felt the blow most keenly. I hope my
hat won't be like Rowell's father's trousers."

"It isn't a bit like them yet," said Francesca.

R.C.L.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Officer_. "BUT SURELY, THOMPSON, IF THESE MUD-BILLETS
ARE ALL ALIKE YOU OUGHT TO REMEMBER WHERE YOU PUT MY HORSE----"]

[Illustration: _Batman_. "HERE HE IS, SIR."]

* * * * *

"Fireman wanted; consuming under 50 tons; wages 30s."

Under the present system of rationing, this demand for moderation does
not seem excessive.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Inspecting Officer_. "IT'S NO USE YOUR TELLING ME YOU
HAVEN'T GOT ANY POTATOES ABOUT THE PLACE. IF YOU HOLD THE END OF THIS
TAPE I'LL VERY SOON TELL YOU HOW MANY YOU HAVE HERE."

_Farmer_. "YE'LL BE A MAIN CLEVER LITTLE FELLOW, THEN. THEY WAS
TURMUTS WHEN I PUT 'EM IN LAST BACK END."]

* * * * *

=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.=

(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.)

It is my deliberate verdict that Mr. E.F. BENSON is (as my old nurse
used to express it) "in league with Somebody he oughtn't." I hope,
however, that he will understand this for the extorted compliment that
it is, and not magic me into something unpleasant, or (more probably)
write another book to prove to my own dissatisfaction that I am
everything I least wish to be. That indeed is the gravamen of my
charge: the diabolic ingenuity with which he makes not so much our
pleasant vices as our little almost-virtues into whips to scourge us
with. All this has been wrung from me by the perusal of _Mr. Teddy_
(