n't got nothing to do with it,
Mawruss," Abe retorted. "And furthermore, Mawruss, any motor-cycle
policeman which has got the nerve to swear that he could tell inside of
two miles an hour how fast somebody is driving, understand me, is guilty
of perjury on the face of it, which I told the judge. 'Judge, your
Honor,' I says, 'I admit I was going fast,' I says, 'but--'"

"Excuse me," Morris interrupted, "but I thought you was talking about
how to punish the Kaiser, ain't it, which, while I admit you got some
pretty good ideas on the subject, Abe, still at the same time there is
plenty of ways that the Kaiser could get punished in America without
going to the trouble and expense of arresting him first, Abe. There is a
whole lot of experiences which the American people pays to go through
just once, y'understand, which if the Kaiser could be persuaded to take
them all on, one after the other, Abe, his worst enemies would got to
pity him. Supposing, for instance, he would start off with one of them
electric vibrating face massages, Abe, and if he comes through it alive,
y'understand, he would then be hustled off to one of these here
strong-arm bunkopathic physicians, which charges five dollars for the
first visit and never has to quote rates for the second or third visits,
because once is plenty, y'understand."

"But I thought the idea was not to let anybody have any sympathy for the
Kaiser, Mawruss," Abe broke in.

"Plenty of fellers I know goes to these here near-doctors," Morris
declared, "and nobody has got any sympathy for them, neither. Also, Abe,
I 'ain't got no sympathy for anybody who goes to these here restaurants
where they run off a cabarattel review, Abe, and yet it's a terrible
punishment at that, so there's another tip for you if you want any more
ideas for making the Kaiser suffer."

"Say, when it comes right down to it, Mawruss, and if you don't want to
show the feller no mercy at all, y'understand," Abe said, "what's the
matter with making him see some of them war plays they was putting on in
New York last winter?"

"Why only _war_ plays?" Morris asked. "I sat through a couple musical
shows last winter without the option of a fine, y'understand, and it
would be a good thing if the Kaiser could see performances like
that--just to make him realize that in losing his throne, y'understand,
he has no longer got the power to order the actors shot, together with
the composer and the man that wrote the jokes."