as I go over the Chair. Then--What's the matter, Cull? Here, Bud,
open your Eyes!"

The Author had fallen in a Heap on the Antique Writing Desk. "Hully
Chee!" exclaimed the Artist. "He's Croaked."

* * * * *

MORAL: A Classic is never Safe Except in the Church Parlor.

* * * * *

_THE TWO OLD PALS AND THE CALL FOR HELP_

Once there was a Married Man who had two Friends whom he had not given
up, even to oblige the Missus. They were two Men whom he had known
since Boyhood's Happy Days away back in Sleepy Hollow. Once in a while
the Man would have the Two around to the House for Dinner.

Of these two Friends, one was a Gusher and the other a Grouch.

The Gusher was eternally bubbling over with Compliments and Kind
Wishes. Whenever he met an Acquaintance he handed him a rhetorical
Yard of Daisies and then smeared him with Sweet Endearments. His talk
never had any specific Purport. It was unadulterated Con. The Gusher
should have been in the Diplomatic Service. One of his hot Specialties
was to get up at Dinner Parties and propose Toasts. He would hot-air
the Ladies until they flushed Crimson from the Joy of being hot-aired.
Even if the Speech was known to be cut-and-dried Blarney, it never
failed to swell the Adorable Creatures, as he called them.

[Illustration: _The Gusher._]

He had a pump-handle Shake for every Man he met, and after the second
Day he called him Old Fellow and inquired as to his Health in a Tone
of trembling Solicitude and picked little pieces of Lint off his Coat.

"I know it's Guff," the Man would say after the Gusher had passed on,
"but my Stars! He can ladle out that Soothing Syrup and never spill a
Drop."

The Grouch, on the other Hand, gave a correct Imitation of a Bear with
a Sore Toe. His Conversation was largely made up of Grunts. He carried
a Facial Expression that frightened little Children in Street Cars
and took all the Starch out of sentimental Young Ladies. He seemed
perpetually to carry the Hoof-Marks of a horrible Nightmare. Some
said that he had been Blighted in Love and had soured on the Universe.
Others imagined that his Liver was out of Whack. At any rate, he was
shy on Sweetness and Light. His Dial suggested a Map of the Bad Lands
and he was just out of Kind Words. He could Knock better than he could
Boost.

When the Gusher would arise at the Dinner Table to blow Bubbles and
distribute Candy, the