s children. I have
heard the fountain within the rock, and my heart has struggled in
towards him through the stones of the rock ... thrust off ... dropping
off ... turning in again and clinging! Knowing what is excellent in
him well, loving him as my only parent left, and for himself dearly,
notwithstanding that hardness and the miserable 'system' which made
him appear harder still, I have loved him and been proud of him for
his high qualities, for his courage and fortitude when he bore up so
bravely years ago under the worldly reverses which he yet felt
acutely--more than you and I could feel them--but the fortitude was
admirable. Then came the trials of love--then, I was repulsed too
often, ... made to suffer in the suffering of those by my side ...
depressed by petty daily sadnesses and terrors, from which it is
possible however for an elastic affection to rise again as past. Yet
my friends used to say 'You look broken-spirited'--and it was true. In
the midst, came my illness,--and when I was ill he grew gentler and
let me draw nearer than ever I had done: and after that great stroke
... you _know_ ... though _that_ fell in the middle of a storm of
emotion and sympathy on my part, which drove clearly against him, God
seemed to strike our hearts together by the shock; and I was grateful
to him for not saying aloud what I said to myself in my agony, '_If it
had not been for you_'...! And comparing my self-reproach to what I
imagined his self-reproach must certainly be (for if _I_ had loved
selfishly, _he_ had not been kind), I felt as if I could love and
forgive him for two ... (I knowing that serene generous departed
spirit, and seeming left to represent it) ... and I did love him
better than all those left to _me_ to love in the world here. I proved
a little my affection for him, by coming to London at the risk of my
life rather than diminish the comfort of his home by keeping a part of
my family away from him. And afterwards for long and long he spoke to
me kindly and gently, and of me affectionately and with too much
praise; and God knows that I had as much joy as I imagined myself
capable of again, in the sound of his footstep on the stairs, and of
his voice when he prayed in this room; my best hope, as I have told
him since, being, to die beneath his eyes. Love is so much to me
naturally--it is, to all women! and it was so much to _me_ to feel
sure at last that _he_ loved me--to forget all blame--to pull the
weed