rge dry
cellar.

***

Mr. Punch does not wish to boast unduly of his unique qualities, but
up to the time of going to press he had made no offer for Drury Lane
Theatre.

***

In view of the recent newspaper articles on spiritualism, several
prominent persons are about to announce that they have decided not
to grant any interviews after death.

***

Liverpool Licensing Justices have urged the Liquor Control Board to
take steps to prevent the drinking of methylated spirits by women. It
is suggested that distillers should be compelled to give their whisky
a distinctive flavour.

***

"A box of cigarettes was all that burglars took from the Theatre
Royal, Aldershot," says a news item. There is something magnificently
arrogant about that "all."

***

"Saying 'Thank you' to a customer," says a news item, "a Wallasey
butcher fell unconscious." In our neighbourhood it used to be, until
quite lately, the customer who fell unconscious.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "NOW LOOK HERE, SIMPKINS--I CAN'T HAVE MY CHIEF CASHIER
TURNING UP LIKE THIS. IT'S A DISGRACE TO THE OFFICE."

"WELL, SIR, I STARTED ALL RIGHT, BUT I CAME BY TUBE."]

* * * * *

THE CAREER.

My dear James,--Ere long the military machine will be able to spare
one of its cogs--myself. Yes, James, soon you will once again see
me in my silk hat, cerise fancy vest and brown boots (among other
garments). I think I shall have brass buttons on all my coats for the
sheer joy of seeing them without let or hindrance grow green from
lack of polish. I shall once again train my hair in graceful curling
strands under (respectively) the south-east and south-west corners of
my ears. If I meet my Brigadier in the street I shall notice him or
not just according to my whim of the moment. But, James, I shall have
to work for my living. There's the rub.

I must say the Army tries to help one. Somebody or other has issued
a whole schedule of civil occupations to assist me in my choice of a
career. It offers an embarrassment of riches.

Take the "A's." I was momentarily attracted by _Air Balloon Maker_.
It sounds a joyous job. Think of the delight of sending forth these
delicate nothings inflated and perfect. My only fear is that I should
destroy the fruits of my own labour. One touch of my rough hands
is always inimical to an air-balloon. And if you know of any more
depre