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Illustration: "---- AND PLEASE GOD MAKE ME A GOOD GIRL AMEN. HOW WOULD
IT BE, MOTHER, TO GIVE THE GERMANS CIGARETTES FILLED WITH GUNPOWDER?"

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A RASH ASSUMPTION.

On the morning of November 27th I awoke to find my chest covered with a
pretty pink pattern. It blended so well with the colour of my
pyjama-jacket that for some minutes I was lost in admiration of the
pleasing effect. Then it occurred to me that coming diseases cast their
rashes before them, and I sprang from the bed in an agony of
apprehension. I rushed to the mirror and opened my mouth to look at my
tongue. There it was. I took some of it out. It looked quite healthy, so
I put it back again. Then I gazed long and earnestly down my throat. It
was quite hollow as usual. Next I got the clinical thermometer and
sucked it for quite a long time. When I removed it I saw my temperature
was about 86. Then I found I was reading it upside down and that I was
only normal. I felt disappointed. After that I tried my pulse. It took
me some time to locate it, but it hadn't run down; it was still going
quite regularly--_andante ma non troppo_, two beats in the bar. I
whistled "Tipperary" to it, and it kept perfect time.

But still the rash remained. It would neither get out nor get under. I
felt perfectly well, and yet I knew I must be ill. I could not
understand the complete absence of other symptoms.

At last a bright idea struck me. It was just possible that I might
refuse food. I knew that would be a symptom. At any rate I would go down
to breakfast and see. I dressed rapidly; I simply tore my clothes on to
me. I shaved hastily; I literally tore the whiskers out of me. Then I
tore down-stairs.

On the table was an egg. I removed the lid and looked inside. It was
full of evil odours. I refused it. Then I knew for certain I was ill. I
tore back to my bedroom and tore off my clothes. I unshaved. I tumbled
into bed and tried hard to shiver. I tried so hard that I perspired. As
I was really ill I knew that I had to get hot and cold alternately ever
so many times. I did my best to live up to all the symptoms I had ever
heard of. I tried to get delirious and talk nonsense, but I failed
ignominiously. How I cursed my public school education!

In my extremity I even endeavoured to imagine that I saw things which
were not there....

And then I saw something which really was there. It was my pin-c