o see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his
mighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest
cook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy
Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like
internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything.

"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th'
Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They've
dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoists
ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loaded
with confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an'
sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th'
home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries
readin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a
series iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th'
Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last
war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up
be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. It
was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just been
blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv his
cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive
peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as
he set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv
bombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken
glass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an aged
servitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic
Assassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says
to himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld
shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot each
other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'r
their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an'
go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he
says.

"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reat
manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they have
been devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th'
future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a
resoluti