h' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to
hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid
away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery
war?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English
dillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.

"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tell
thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men
over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave or
by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an'
they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin,
set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv
th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I
niver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th'
hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty
minyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a
summer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to
steal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that
war or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate
fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan
civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on his
hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he wint
home."

TURKISH POLITICS

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's head
these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a
king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' born
outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make
anny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't come
fr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply,' is th'
motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sind
a comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan,
make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him
king, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that
are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a
Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kings
an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows what
he is.

"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawth