USH WITH THE ENEMY.

"I think we may advance to attack," said the Prussian Commander, folding
up the _Berliner Tageblatt_ War Map.

"One moment, Sir," interposed the Chief of Staff, "the supply of
captured alien women and children is exhausted."

"Then," said the Commander, "we shall be forced to confront the enemy's
fire without the usual screen."

"Why not advance under a flag of truce?" suggested the Chief of Staff.

"I am loth to violate the canons of civilized warfare," said the
Commander, "but really there seems no other way, unless--unless----
Here! Hand me a telegram form. I have an idea."

The Commander wrote rapidly for a minute. "Send this at once," he said,
"and pre-pay the reply."

In an hour the answer arrived. The Commander tore it open with eager
haste. "We are saved!" he cried. "The advance commences at daybreak
to-morrow." He tossed the telegram over to the Chief of Staff, who
read:--"Am forwarding immediately per special train 1,000 foxes as
requested.--Hagenbeck, Hamburg."

And the KAISER, reading the Commander's despatch later in the day,
mailed his Super-strategist the insignia of the Order of the
Double-faced Vulture.

* * * * *

DIARY OF A KAISER.

_Sunday._--To-day has witnessed another triumph for the high-souled
German army. Ten Belgian villages have been burnt. Some of the
inhabitants have been also burnt; the rest have been driven out to
starve. This will teach Belgium not to build villages in the way of a
possible German advance. General von Schweinehund was in command of the
noble German column. Have telegraphed my supreme congratulations and
have conferred upon him the Iron Cross. How splendidly God is behaving
in these days.

_Monday._--It is stated that in East Prussia a village has been burnt by
the Russians during a battle. This is monstrous, and must be stopped at
once. Have sent a protest to the TSAR and have telegraphed to neutral
countries pointing out that Russia is spreading barbarism, whereas
Germany is spreading civilisation and culture. A reply has come from
America; it contained only one word--"Louvain." That may be meant for
humour, but I do not understand it. The Americans must not forget that
Louvain was burnt by _German_ troops, and that being so there can be no
complaint. Have told my Court Chaplain, Dr. Meuchler, to draw the Divine
attention to this infamy on the part of the Russian Huns.

_Tuesday._--Six Belgian mayors a