shed his mornin' batch
iv pothry f'r th' home-thrade, an' had et his dinner, an' was thinkin'
iv r-runnin' out in th' counthry f'r a breath iv fr-resh air, whin in
come a tillygram sayin' that th' Czar iv Rooshia had sint out a
circular letther sayin' ivrybody in th' wurruld ought to get together
an' stop makin' war an' live a quite an' dull life. Now Kipling don't
like the czar. Him an' th' czar fell out about something, an' they
don't speak. So says Roodyard Kipling to himsilf, he says: 'I'll take
a crack at that fellow,' he says. 'I'll do him up,' he says. An' so he
writes a pome to show that th' czar's letter's not on th' square.
Kipling's like me, Hinnissy. When I want to say annything lib-lous, I
stick it on to me Uncle Mike. So be Roodyard Kipling. He doesn't come
r-right out, an' say, 'Nick, ye're a liar!' but he tells about what
th' czar done to a man he knowed be th' name iv Muttons. Muttons, it
seems, Hinnissy, was wanst a hunter; an' he wint out to take a shot at
th' czar, who was dhressed up as a bear. Well, Muttons r-run him down,
an' was about to plug him, whin th' czar says, 'Hol' on,' he
says,--'hol' on there,' he says. 'Don't shoot,' he says. 'Let's talk
this over,' he says. An' Muttons, bein' a foolish man, waited till th'
czar come near him; an' thin th' czar feinted with his left, an' put
in a right hook an' pulled off Muttons's face. I tell ye 'tis so. He
jus' hauled it off th' way ye'd haul off a porous plasther,--raked off
th' whole iv Muttons's fr-ront ilivation. 'I like ye'er face,' he
says, an' took it. An' all this time, an' 'twas fifty year ago,
Muttons hasn't had a face to shave. Ne'er a one. So he goes ar-round
exhibitin' th' recent site, an' warnin' people that, whin they ar-re
shootin' bears, they must see that their gun is kept loaded an' their
face is nailed on securely. If ye iver see a bear that looks like a
man, shoot him on th' spot, or, betther still, r-run up an alley. Ye
must niver lose that face, Hinnissy.

"I showed th' pome to Father Kelly," continued Mr. Dooley.

"What did he say?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"He said," Mr. Dooley replied, "that I cud write as good a wan mesilf;
an' he took th' stub iv a pencil, an' wrote this. Lemme see--Ah! here
it is:--

'Whin he shows as seekin' frindship with paws that're thrust in thine,
That is th' time iv pearl, that is th' thruce iv th' line.

'Collarless, coatless, hatless, askin' a dhrink at th' bar,
Me Uncle Mike, the Feny