the neighbors; she gives
good advice, and plenty of it; she gives us a piece of her mind
sometimes--and sometimes all of it; she soothes our aching brows; she
bears our children. (Ours as a general thing.)--[this last sentence
appears in Twain's published speeches and may have been added later.
D.W.]

In all relations of life, sir, it is but just and a graceful tribute to
woman to say of her that she is a brick. [Great laughter.]

Wheresoever you place woman, sir--in whatsoever position or estate--she
is an ornament to that place she occupies, and a treasure to the world.
[Here Mr. Twain paused, looked inquiringly at his hearers, and remarked
that the applause should come in at this point. It came in. Mr. Twain
resumed his eulogy.] Look at the noble names of history! Look at
Cleopatra! Look at Desdemona! Look at Florence Nightingale! Look at Joan
of Arc! Look at Lucretia Borgia! [Disapprobation expressed. "Well," said
Mr. Twain, scratching his head, doubtfully, "suppose we let Lucretia
slide."] Look at Joyce Heth! Look at Mother Eve! I repeat, sir, look
at the illustrious names of history! Look at the Widow Machree! Look
at Lucy Stone! Look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton! Look at George Francis
Train! [Great laughter.] And, sir, I say with bowed head and deepest
veneration, look at the mother of Washington! She raised a boy that
could not lie--could not lie. [Applause.] But he never had any chance.
It might have been different with him if he had belonged to a newspaper
correspondents' club. [Laughter, groans, hisses, cries of "put him out."
Mark looked around placidly upon his excited audience, and resumed.]

I repeat, sir, that in whatsoever position you place a woman she is an
ornament to society and a treasure to the world. As a sweetheart she has
few equals and no superior [laughter]; as a cousin she is convenient; as
a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper she is precious; as a
wet nurse she has no equal among men! [Laughter.]

What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would
be scarce, sir. (Mighty scarce.)--[another line added later in the
published 'Speeches'. D.W.] Then let us cherish her, let us protect her,
let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy--ourselves,
if we get a chance. [Laughter.]

But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind
of heart, beautiful; worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all
deference. Not any here will refuse