ll I suffer.

What is _he_ saying? "Mr. G.,
Despite drink's cursed coalition,
Dooms publicans (_groans_), as should be,
On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition!

"I move, the Shrimpington-on-Sea
United Bands of Hope, with pleasure,
Pronounce the Veto Bill to be
A great (_cheers_), good (_shouts_), just (_roars_) measure."

Enough! O frantic fools who rave
And call it "Temperance"! This body
Would drive me to an early grave;
I'll hurry home and get some toddy.

* * * * *

ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE.

YOU may, an it please you, be dull,
(For Britons deem dulness "respectable");
Stale flowers of speech you may cull,
With meanings now scarcely detectable;
You may wallow in saturnine spite,
You may flounder in flatulent flummery;
Be sombre as poet YOUNG'S "_Night_,"
And dry as a Newspaper "Summary";
As rude as a yowling Yahoo,
As chill as a volume of CHITTY;
But oh, Sir, whatever you do,
You must _not_ be witty!

Plod on through the sand-wastes of Fact,
Long level of gritty aridity;
With pompous conceit make a pact,
Be bondsman to bald insipidity;
Be slab as a black Irish bog,
Slow, somnolent, stupid, and stodgy;
Plunge into sophistical fog,
And the realms of the dumpishly dodgy.
With trump elephantine and slow,
Tread on through word-swamps, dank and darkling;
But no, most decidedly _no_,
You must _not_ be sparkling!

Be just as unjust as you like,
A conscienceless, 'cute special-pleader;
As spiteful as _Squeers_ was to _Smike_,
(You may often trace _Squeers_ in a "leader.")
Impute all the vileness you can,
Poison truth with snake-venom of fable,
Be fair--as is woman to man,
And kindly--as CAIN was to ABEL.
Suggest what is false in a sneer,
Suppress what is true by confusing;
Be sour, stale, and flat as small-beer,
But _don't_ be amusing!

Party zealots will pardon your spite,
If against their opponents it sputters,
The way a (word) foeman to fight,
Is to misrepresent all he utters.
That does not need wisdom or wit,
(Ye poor party-scribes, what a blessing!)
No clean knightly sword, but a spit
Is the weapon for mangling and messing;
Wield that, like a cudgel-armed rough
Blent with ruthless bravo,--such are numerous!--
Lie, slander, spout pitiful stuff,
But--beware of the humorous!