[_Aside_.]

APP. I cannot endure the smoking of guns, the thundering of drums: I
had rather hear the merry hacking of pot-herbs, and see the reeking of
a hot capon. If they would use no other bucklers in war but shields of
brawn, brandish no swords but sweards of bacon,[202] trail no spears
but spare-ribs of pork, and instead of arquebuss pieces discharge
artichoke-pies: toss no pikes but boiled pickrels, then Appetitus would
rouse up his crest, and bear up himself with the proudest.

MEN. Ah! here's a youth stark naught at a trench, but an old dog at a
trencher, a tall squire at a square table. [_Aside_.]

APP. But now my good masters must pardon me; I am not one for their
service, for their service is without service, and indeed their service
is too hot for my diet. But what, if I be not myself, but only this be
my spirit that wanders up and down, and Appetitus be killed in the camp?
the devil he is as soon. How's that possible? tut, tut, I know I am. I
am Appetitus, and alive, too--by this infallible token, that I feel
myself hungry.

MEN. Thou mightest have taken a better token of thyself, by knowing thou
art a fool. [_Aside_.]

APP. Well, then, though I made my fellow-soldiers admire the beauty of
my back, and wonder at the nimbleness of my heels, yet now will I, at
safety at home, tell in what dangers they are in abroad. I'll speak
nothing but guns and glaves,[203] and staves and phalanges,[204] and
squadrons and barricadoes, ambuscadoes, palmedoes, blank-point,
demi-point,[205] counterpoint, counterscarp, sallies and lies, saladoes,
tarantantaras, ranta, tara, tara, hey.

MEN. I must take the fife out of his mouth, or he'll ne'er ha' done.
[_Aside_.]

APP. But, above all, I'll be sure on my knees to thank the great--

[MENDACIO _blinds him_.

MEN. Who am I, who am I, who I?

APP. By the blood-stained falchion of Mavors,[206] I am on your side.

MEN. Why, who am I?

APP. Are you a soldier?

MEN. No.

APP. Then you are Master Helluo the bearward.

MEN. No, no; he's dead.

APP. Or Gulono the gutty serjeant, or Delphino the vintner, or else I
know you not; for these are all my acquaintance.

MEN. Would I were hanged, if I be any of these!

APP. What, Mendacio! By the faith of a knight, thou art welcome; I must
borrow thy whetstone, to sharpen the edges of my martial compliments.