ressing (?) new world, it is like being in love with a marble
statue."

"I don't know why I write all this, but how impossible life is. I
think it really is a most devilish arrangement. No peace except in
utter renounciation. And must one struggle through a peppery sequence
of years just to know this?"

"Baroness Ixkull is going to give me perfectly new sisters to train
and I am going to make them march like pokers, copy every record each
time they make a spot and count all the linen every two weeks. As
they will not have been in any other ward, they cannot make any
comparisons or complain."

"I know, Poodie, that you would like some things here very much--the
simplicity of everything and the independence of people. I think it
is only possible with a recognized aristocracy when people do not
have to explain themselves and are established. I have met a few such
nice people, of course to hardly know them, but one feels one knows
them at once because there is a recognition of being of one world and
one knows beforehand that one shares the same feelings towards most
things. For instance, they may not know me personally but the fact
that Papa was in the service, was Gentillomme de la Chambre (Court
title), was educated at the Lycee, defines a type, defines in a
certain manner his daughter, if only externally. Then knowing that
Mama was American, the whole thing is clear in a natural way. My
wanting to be here is understood--my attachment to America is
understood."

St. Petersburg 1911.

"My life here is so full in one sense that it seems much more than a
few months since I was in America. Life seems very, very short in
comparison with the wide conception of possibilities which gives the
zest to youth. Everything seems so partial and the total is so hard
to realize. To keep tranquility with the increase of perception and
understanding means renounciation as far as I can see. It must be a
great privilege to work and pursue one's greatest convictions--to act
what one feels sure of--this is in many ways adjustment to
circumstances. Please God that there may be some good in it."

"The spirit is everything--nothing else matters. I can never leave
the ward on their hands (new sisters) and I mean every day from 8
until 9 at night and often part of the night, if it is very serious.
I am very well, sleep little, eat little and am flourishing."

So after this additional stage in Russia at the Community, Nelka
returned once ag