t just comes over me with a
fresh feeling all the time, that I cannot accept it. I have never
felt so about anything. I am glad that you miss darling little Tibi.
I feel estranged from everyone except those who knew and cared for
Tibi."

During her trip back to Europe, she wrote from Rotterdam 1913.

"It just seems some times more than I can bear. I don't know how to
get reconciled--that is the worst. I don't accept it and I have an
outraged sense all the time of the fearful crime to that happy little
life, and so many constant torments come up afresh all the time, that
I just feel crazy. I tried to face it all and wear it out of my head
in the beginning, but that did not work and now this willful keeping
from thinking as much as I can does not help either. Why couldn't
anything have happened to me that would not have hurt Tibi? I suffer
because that little face is just always before me. If I could just
have her for an hour and know that she was all right, I would die the
happiest person in the world."

Paris 1913.

"I can't keep up my spirits all the time. I am terribly tired, look a
perfect sight, but I don't care. Paris has not changed much. It will
always be the most beautiful city in the world, I think, and the most
civilized. Church was such a delight this morning. I like this Paris
one better than anyone I know, but it all now seems simply a past and
I know it will always be so."

Poustinka 1913.

"It seems to me almost superfluous to comment any more on the sadness
and pain of what occurred--it is also just more and more and
everywhere. The more one sees of life, the more frightened one is of
being happy. I think life is just totally and absolutely
inexplicable."

"Veta has got a little apartment opposite the Lycee and Max hopes to
get in January. I am giving him English dictations and he is studying
all day. Veta thinks of nothing else and wants to get him safely
married at 21, which she thinks is the best thing for Russian men."

Well, I was safely married at 21 but not with the approval of my
mother who opposed my marriage to Nelka because of our age
difference.

Poustinka 1913.

"I have not yet seen about the cemetery here but I think I will
arrange to be buried there if it is allowed, or else to find some
piece of land somewhere. I just hope, hope, hope in something beyond
as I never have before. I simply can't stand the injustice of Tibi,
of her death and I can never get reconciled to it for