nice,
bright little boy, and laughed quite merrily.

I have now been at Willesden Junction for eighteen hours, and I have not
yet secured a train for Chalk Farm. There have been several, but they
have always gone from the platform which I had just left. So I have
camped out on the 101th platform, and I intend to stop there till a
train for Chalk Farm comes in. Of course the porters have remonstrated,
and tried to explain where and when the train really does start. But I
would sooner trust my natural instincts than any porter. That bright
little boy has been twice to see how I am getting on. He brought two
other boys last time. They all told me to stick to it, and seemed much
amused--probably at the stupidity of those porters. But really, _Mr.
Punch_, Willesden Junction ought to be simplified. It may be all very
well for me, with a phrenological aptitude for this sort of thing; but
these different levels, platforms, and stairs must be very puzzling to
less gifted people, such as the green young man from the country.

But the last suggestion which I have to make is the most important.
There ought to be a great many more doors _into_ the refreshment-room,
and only one door out of it. I lost the thirteenth train for Chalk Farm
by going out of the wrong door. One door out would be ample, and it
should certainly be made--by an easy arrangement of pivots and pneumatic
pressure--to open straight into the train for anywhere where you wanted
to go. If this simple alteration cannot be made, Willesden Junction must
be destroyed at once, route and branch; or removed to Hampton Court, to
take the place of the present absurdly easy Maze. I am, _Mr. Punch_,

Your humble and obedient Servant, PHRENITIC.

* * * * *

UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE. (_New "Physical Examination" Style._)

OXFORD, _April 1, 1890_.

THE Regius Professor of High Jumping will commence his Course of
Lectures, accompanied, in the way of illustration, by a practical
exhibition of several physical _tours de force_ on the spare ground at
the back of the Parks, at some hour before 12 o'clock this morning.
Candidates for honours in Hurdle Racing, Dancing, and Throwing the
Hammer, are requested to leave their names at the Professor of
Anthropometry's, at his residence, in the new Athletic Schools, on or
before the 3rd inst. The subject selected for the next Term's Prize
Physical Essay Composition, which will have on the reading to b