ll as he chooses, and to
express his ideas, when he has any, as best he can; while, when he
suffers from a dearth of those rare articles, he has still more reason
to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects to
cover his poverty of thought. Hence there are doubtless good and
sufficient reasons for every specimen of "English as she is wrote,"
which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion, and
which have, one and all, been written with the sober conviction, upon
the part of the writers, that they accurately conveyed the meaning they
desired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded,
and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of
expression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the
possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of
our language. Let it be remembered, then, that _anybody_ can
write English as she "should be wrote," and hence that a certain meed of
admiration is due to those who, exercising their right of independent
action, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and in
conveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to their
intention, affording thereby admirable examples of English as "she is
wrote" by thousands.

I.

By the Inaccurate.

In the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "the
procession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also the
report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain."

A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old,
and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward."

Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:

"A fellow was arrested with short hair."

"I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."

"A house was built by a mason of brown stone."

"Wanted--A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide."

"A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and
dark-complexioned."

"I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."

A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully painted
with a tall mast."

In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a
sailor in a shell."

A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors and
myself, 4_s._ 6_d._"

A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest
terms are given by any other house in the city.