MAY THINK OF
YOUR PIKE, BUT PERSONALLY IT INCOMMODES ME!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "Very sorry, Sir; But I'm afraid I've made a small cut on
your chin."

"Ah! It must have been a sharp patch on the razor."]

* * * * *

THE COLONEL TALKS.

The great hunter and explorer received us with profound affability.
Thinner he may be, but his terrible privations in the perilous back
blocks of Brazil have left his dazzling bonzoline smile unharmed. Every
one of the powerful two-and-thirty extended a separate welcome.

"Sit right down," he said.

We sat right down.

"Say, Colonel," we began in the vernacular, "tell us about the river.
Some river, ain't it?"

"You are right, Sir," he replied. "It's a river. The Thames, according
to your great statesman, Colonel Burns, is 'liquid history;' my river
is----"

"According to Savage Landor," we interrupted, "'liquid mystery.'"

The explorer's face fell. "I will deal with him later," he said.
"Meanwhile let me tell you, Sir, that this is no slouch of a river. It
has all the necessary ingredients of a river. It has banks, and a
current. There are fish in it. Boats and canoes can progress on its
surface. Twenty-three times did I risk my valuable life in saving boats
and canoes that had got adrift. It has rapids. Twenty-eight times did I
nearly drown in negotiating them. It has some ugly snags. The ugliest I
have called 'Wilson,' the next ugliest, 'Bryan.'"

He stopped for applause and we let him have it.

"It was a great discovery of yours," we said, after he had bowed several
times.

"No, Sir," he replied, "let us get that right. It is not my discovery.
It is the discovery of Colonel Rondor."

"Well, you keep it among the colonels anyway," we said.

"In America, Sir," replied the modern Columbus--"in G. O. C., by which I
mean God's Own Country--we keep everything among the colonels. But to
proceed--it is not my discovery. All that I did was to trace it to its
source in order to put it on the map. That is my ambition--the crowning
moment of my _ex-officio_ life--to put this river on the map. It will
mean a boom in South America at last. They are all out-of-date and new
ones must be made."

"And what will you call the river?" I asked.

"I am not sure," he said. "Some want it to be known as the 'Roosevelt,'
but that does not please me. The 'Rondor' would be better, or 'The Two
Colonels.' Can you suggest a