meet you
Anywhere.

[Illustration]

* * * * *

A GRAND OLD DIARY FOR 1893.

(_Published in Advance._)

_January._--As I am in Biarritz, may just as well see how they manage
things in Spain. Looked up the Ministry at Madrid, and drafted them a
treaty with Portugal. They thanked me with the courtesy of hidaljos, but
refused with the paltry jealousy of a petty-fogging second-rate Power!
What nasty pride! Sent home to one of my Magazines, "How I took part in
a Bull-fight."

_February._--Opened Parliament and set things going, and then thought I
might take a trip to Russia to fill up the odd time. Had a chat with the
CZAR, and knocked off a plan for the introduction of "Home Rule." CZAR
polite, but didn't see it. Well of course every one has a right to his
own opinions, still I think it would do. CZAR didn't. Sent home to one
of my Magazines, "How I lived for three days in the Mines of Siberia."

_March._--Back to town for a few days, and then off again. CLARK says
travelling the best thing in the world for superfluous energy. Did China
thoroughly. Drew up a plan for altering the language, manners,
religions, politics, and customs of the Chinese. Brought it before a
Special Committee of Mandarins; but they prevaricated, and practically
shelved it. Sent home to one of my Magazines an article, "How I had a
Boxing-match with the Emperor of CHINA, and knocked his Majesty out of
time."

_April._--Things going on decently well at Westminster, so started for
Turkey. Arranged Turkish Finance for the Grand Vizier. But that official
distinctly an--well, not a wise man--said he would knock out a better
budget himself. Sent home to one of my Magazines, "My Fortnight's
Manoeuvres with the Bashi Bazouks."

_May._--Dropped in at St. Stephen's, and put a few finishing touches to
one or two measures, then away to Egypt. Sketched out a Republican form
of Government for the Khedive. However, his Highness did not seem to see
it. The Egyptians are very Conservative in their notions. Sent home to
one of my Magazines, "A Fortnight in the MAHDI'S Camp, by an
Acquaintance of OSMAN DIGNA."

_June._--Attended a couple of Cabinet Meetings, and then to America for
a jaunt. Gave the President a carefully worked-out scheme for converting
the Government of the United States into a Monarchy of limited
liability. The President greatly pleased, but not quite sure it would
work.