* * * * *

TO SOME EXPECTANT BARDS.

God rest you, merry gentlemen!
You twittering, chirping poetasters.
What though you ply for praise the pen,
'Tis a mad world, you know, my masters.

And therefore in our land of fools,
Where genius starves in many a gutter,
And all the lore of all the schools
Scarce finds a man in bread-and-butter;

Where rhymes abound, though small and few
The prizes are that any bard won,
Your lot, O facile rhyming crew
Of would-be laureates, is a hard one.

Go on and versify. God wot,
With bards and rhymes I would not quarrel.
You have my sympathies, but not
(And may it so remain) the laurel.

* * * * *

EXTRAORDINARY FACT IN NATURAL HISTORY.--A Gentleman, whose name is well
known in scientific circles, vouches for the following fact. He was, he
says, passing a poulterer's shop, when he actually saw _a hare buy a
rabbit!!_ He subsequently added, that much depended on the way of
spelling "buy."

* * * * *

Mrs. R., whose nephew broke his leg at
football the other day, told a friend that it
was a confounded fraction, but she hoped the
bones would ignite in the end.

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE YOUNG GUARD.]

* * * * *

PHANTASMA-GORE-IA!

_Picturing the Various Modes of Melodramatic Murder._ (_By Our
"Off-his"-Head Poet._)

No. III.--THE REVOLVER MURDER.

From Bow comes the fur that's on his coat,
From Germany comes his watch;
His trousers the "London make" denote,
His accent is Franco-Scotch;
His liquor is Special Scotch;
He "guesses" much, and he says "You bet";
His manner is slow and sly;
His smoke is a Turkish cigarette,
For he is a Russian Spy--
A blood-seeking Russian Spy!

Oh! how will the woes of Virtue end?
'Tis late in the Five-Act play;
And Fortune still is dark Vice's friend,
And villany holds its sway,
Its truly wonderful sway!
'Twould scarce be the thing for Vice to crow,
And Virtue to sink and die;
The end must arrive _some_ time, we know--
So bring on your Russian Spy,--
Come, out with your Russian Spy!

It cannot be long! The time is here
For Virtue to pardon Vice,
Providing he does not live too near,
Or call more than once or twice--
Look in