l pay
dear for it. I have lived, during my winter quarters, as a recluse; I
have my meals alone, pass my life in reading and writing, and do not
sigh. When one is sorrowful it costs one too much in the long run to
conceal one's chagrin incessantly, and it is better to bear one's
trouble alone than to bring one's vexations into society. Nothing
comforts me but the violent strain, as long as it lasts, which work
requires; it drives away sorrowful ideas.

"But ah! when work is ended, then gloomy thoughts become vigorous as
ever. Maupertuis is right: the amount of evil is greater than of good.
But it is all the same to me; I have nothing more to lose, and the few
days that remain to me do not disquiet me so much that I should take a
lively interest in them."

"1759, 16_th August_.--I will throw myself in their way, and have my
head cut off, or save the capital. I think that is determination
enough. I will not answer for the success. If I had more than one life
I would resign it for my Fatherland; but if this stroke fails I hold
myself at quits with my country, and I may be allowed to take care of
myself. There is a limit to everything. I bear my misfortunes without
losing my courage. But I am quite determined, if this undertaking
fails, to make myself a way out, that I may not be the sport of every
kind of accident. Believe me, one requires more than firmness and
endurance to maintain oneself in my position. But I tell you openly, if
any misfortune happens to me you must not calculate upon my outliving
the ruin and destruction of my Fatherland. I have my own way of
thinking. I will neither imitate Sertorius nor Cato; I do not think of
my fame, but of the State."

"1760, _Oct_.--Death would be sweet in comparison with such a life. If
you have any sympathy with my situation, believe me I conceal much
trouble with which I do not grieve or disquiet others. I regard death
like a Stoic. Never will I live to see the moment which would oblige me
to conclude a disadvantageous peace. Either I will bury myself under
the ruins of my Fatherland, or, if this consolation appears too sweet
to the fate which pursues me, I will make an end of my sufferings as
soon as it is no longer possible to bear them. I have acted, and
continue to act, according to this inward feeling of honour. I have
sacrificed my youth to my father, and my manhood to my Fatherland. I
think, therefore, I have acquired the right to dispose of my old age. I
say it, a