ntation under a
democracy, in the order of their potency, are (_a_) whiskey, (_b_) beer,
(_c_) cigars, (_d_) tears.

AXIOM. Something that everyone believes. When everyone begins to believe
anything it ceases to be true. For example, the notion that the
homeliest girl in the party is the safest.

BALLOT BOX. The altar of democracy. The cult served upon it is the
worship of jackals by jackasses.

BREVITY. The quality that makes cigarettes, speeches, love affairs and
ocean voyages bearable.

CELEBRITY. One who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

CHAUTAUQUA. A place in which persons who are not worth talking to listen
to that which is not worth hearing.

CHRISTIAN. One who believes that God notes the fall of a sparrow and is
shocked half to death by the fall of a Sunday-school superintendent; one
who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE. The theory that, since the sky rockets following a
wallop in the eye are optical delusions, the wallop itself is a delusion
and the eye another.

CHURCH. A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag
about it to persons who will never get there.

CIVILIZATION. A concerted effort to remedy the blunders and check the
practical joking of God.

CLERGYMAN. A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

CONSCIENCE. The inner voice which warns us that someone is looking.

CONFIDENCE. The feeling that makes one believe a man, even when one
knows that one would lie in his place.

COURTROOM. A place where Jesus Christ and Judas Iscariot would be
equals, with the betting odds in favor of Judas.

CREATOR. A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Three proofs of
His humor: democracy, hay fever, any fat woman.

DEMOCRACY. The theory that two thieves will steal less than one, and
three less than two, and four less than three, and so on _ad infinitum_;
the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to
get it good and hard.

EPIGRAM. A platitude with vine-leaves in its hair.

EUGENICS. The theory that marriages should be made in the laboratory;
the Wassermann test for love.

EVIL. That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of
others, but it is seldom a mistake.

EXPERIENCE. A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something,
to wit, that he will probably fail again next time.

FAME. An embalmer trembling with stage-fright.

FINE. A bribe paid by