emselves
were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell.

SUNDAY SCHOOL. A prison in which children do penance for the evil
conscience of their parents.

SURGEON. One bribed heavily by the patient to take the blame for the
family doctor's error in diagnosis.

TEMPTATION. An irresistible force at work on a movable body.

THANKSGIVING DAY. A day devoted by persons with inflammatory rheumatism
to thanking a loving Father that it is not hydrophobia.

THEOLOGY. An effort to explain the unknowable by putting it into terms
of the not worth knowing.

TOMBSTONE. An ugly reminder of one who has been forgotten.

TRUTH. Something somehow discreditable to someone.

UNIVERSITY. A place for elevating sons above the social rank of their
fathers. In the great American universities men are ranked as follows:
1. Seducers; 2. Fullbacks; 3. Booze-fighters; 4. Pitchers and Catchers;
5. Poker players; 6. Scholars; 7. Christians.

VERDICT. The _a priori_ opinion of that juror who smokes the worst
cigars.

VERS LIBRE. A device for making poetry easier to write and harder to
read.

WART. Something that outlasts ten thousand kisses.

WEALTH. Any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of
one's wife's sister's husband.

WEDDING. A device for exciting envy in women and terror in men.

WIFE. One who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.

WIDOWER. One released on parole.

WOMAN. Before marriage, an _agente provocateuse_; after marriage, a
_gendarme_.

WOMEN'S CLUB. A place in which the validity of a philosophy is judged by
the hat of its prophetess.

YACHT CLUB. An asylum for landsmen who would rather die of drink than be
seasick.

_XII.--THE OLD SUBJECT_

_XII.--The Old Subject_

Sec. 1.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry
later. For another thing, they die earlier.

Sec. 2.

The man who marries for love alone is at least honest. But so was
Czolgosz.

Sec. 3.

When a husband's story is believed, he begins to suspect his wife.

Sec. 4.

In the year 1830 the average American had six children and one wife. How
time transvalues all values!

Sec. 5.

Love begins like a triolet and ends like a college yell.

Sec. 6.

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames
the door he walks into in the dark.

Sec. 7.

Man's objection to love is that it dies hard; woman's is that