a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his
crime. In China such bribes are paid to the judge personally; in America
they are paid to him as agent for the public. But it makes no difference
to the men who pay them--nor to the men who can't pay them.

FIRMNESS. A form of stupidity; proof of an inability to think the same
thing out twice.

FRIENDSHIP. A mutual belief in the same fallacies, mountebanks,
hobgoblins and imbecilities.

GENTLEMAN. One who never strikes a woman without provocation; one on
whose word of honor the betting odds are at least 1 to 2.

HAPPINESS. Peace after effort, the overcoming of difficulties, the
feeling of security and well-being. The only really happy folk are
married women and single men.

HELL. A place where the Ten Commandments have a police force behind
them.

HISTORIAN. An unsuccessful novelist.

HONEYMOON. The time during which the bride believes the bridegroom's
word of honor.

HOPE. A pathological belief in the occurrence of the impossible.

HUMANITARIAN. One who would be sincerely sorry to see his neighbor's
children devoured by wolves.

HUSBAND. One who played safe and is now played safely. A No. 16 neck in
a No. 151/2 collar.

HYGIENE. Bacteriology made moral; the theory that the Italian in the
ditch should be jailed for spitting on his hands.

IDEALIST. One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage,
concludes that it will also make better soup.

IMMORALITY. The morality of those who are having a better time. You will
never convince the average farmer's mare that the late Maud S. was not
dreadfully immoral.

IMMORTALITY. The condition of a dead man who doesn't believe that he is
dead.

JEALOUSY. The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste.

JUDGE. An officer appointed to mislead, restrain, hypnotize, cajole,
seduce, browbeat, flabbergast and bamboozle a jury in such a manner that
it will forget all the facts and give its decision to the best lawyer.
The objection to judges is that they are seldom capable of a sound
professional judgment of lawyers. The objection to lawyers is that the
best are the worst.

JURY. A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their
hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

LAWYER. One who protects us against robbers by taking away the
temptation.

LIAR. (_a_) One who pretends to be very good; (_b_) one who pretends to
be very bad.

LOVE. The delusion th