. directs, a princely salary shall be at my disposal.
Mr. J. inquires what special branch of fiction it would suit me to
undertake, as he proposes to publish a serial novel by an author of
undoubted imaginative power. Here is my answer to Mr. J. I will do
nothing for him. His compliments I despise. Flattery has never yet
caused me to falter. And if he desires to prop the tottering fortunes
of his chowder-headed rag, let him obtain support from the pasty-faced
pack of cacklers who surround him. I would stretch no finger to help
him, no, not if I saw him up to his chin in the oleo-margarine of
which his brains and those of his bottle-nosed, flounder-eared friends
seem to be composed. So much then for Mr. J. _Du reste_, as TALLEYRAND
once said, my important duties to the readers of this journal fully
absorb my time.

Last week I offered to the public some interesting details of the
family history of an exalted German prince, whose friendship and
good-will it has been my fortune to acquire by means of the dazzling
accuracy of my forecasts of racing events in this country. I may state
at once that the Grand Cross of the Honigthau Order, "_mit Diamanten
und Perlen_," which his Serene Highness was good enough to confer upon
me, has come to hand, and even now sparkles on a breast as incapable
of deceit as it is ardent in the pursuit of truth. Let this be an
incitement to the deserving, and a warning to scoffers who presume
to doubt me. Many other gratifying testimonies of foreign approval
have reached me. From the immense heap of them stored in my front
drawing-room, I select the following specimens:--

(I.) _BUENOS AYRES, MONDAY._

Revolution crushed entirely by your aid. At the crisis, General
Pompanilla read _all_ your published writings aloud to insurgent
chiefs. Effect was magical. They thought your prophecies _better than
ammunition_. Ha, ha! Their widows have fled the country. A pension
of a million _pesetas_ awarded to you. Rumours about my resignation
a mere blind. (_Signed_) Dr. Celman, _President_.

(II.) _BUENOS AYRES, MONDAY._

The traitor Celman has been vanquished, thanks to you. When ammunition
failed, we loaded with sporting prophecies. Very deadly. Treasury
cleared directly. One of your adjectives annihilated a brigade of
infantry.

(_Here follow the signatures of the Leaders of the Union Civica, to
the number of_ 5,000.)

(III.) _GUATEMALA, SUNDAY._

Victorious army of Guatemala sends thanks to its