call him, ain't in the first three!

OWNER.

Ah, there it is, GOSCHEN, you know;
That justifies what I was saying.
I fancy this animal's slow,
Not sure that his specialty's staying.
I think, if we value our Stable--and tin--
That we should declare with _Land Purchase_ to win.

[_Left discussing it._

* * * * *

DERBY DISAPPOINTMENTS.

To go to Epsom with a view to a day's enjoyment.

To imagine that there is any sport on the road down, and ditto
returning.

To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm lobster salad and simmering
champagne can be taken with impunity.

To fancy that one can get into a train bound for the Downs without
losing one's temper.

To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of
street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies.

To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one
of them will turn up trumps.

To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with
rain before you get home.

Lastly, to back the Winner for L10,000, payable by the Bank of
England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which
you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely
daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a
dream!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "DOUBTFUL!"

LORD SALISBURY (_to Trainer_). "H'M!--DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF
HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH _LAND PURCHASE_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A WARNING IN WAX.

WHAT THE STATUE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT LEFT THE SCULPTOR'S HAND FOR
EXHIBITION.

ITS APPEARANCE WHEN THE BRITISH PUBLIC HAD ASCERTAINED, BY EXPERIMENT,
THAT IT REALLY WAS IN WAX.]

* * * * *

THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS.

"I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."--_Lord
Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative
Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow._

TALK of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure,
That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches.
Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight
Of Lord ROSEBERY'S Co-operative Breeches!
For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel
That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant;
And if anybody wants true co-operative p