0. Commence
at 8.

Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9.30!
The Blood-Bath at 10.45! Death Dance Tableau at 11.5!
Carriages at 11.10!

Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and still
crowded with the _elite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!!

* * * * *

[Illustration: "LITERARY STARS."]

* * * * *

THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY.

_January_.--Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _en
route_.

_February_.--Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address at
Dover. Triumphant progress to London.

_March_.--Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedom
of the City.

_April_.--Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, and
unlimited hospitality.

_May_.--Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations.

_June_.--Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition of
distinguished conduct.

_July_.--Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures.

_August_.--Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, which
now begins to empty.

_September_.--Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear.

_October_.--Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters to
the papers, and sensational journalism generally.

_November_.--Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges,
counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please,
strongly recommended row.

_December_.--Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)
and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Year.

* * * * *

HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR.

_Emperor of R-ss-a_.--To personally visit Siberia.

_King of It-ly_.--To come to terms with the Vatican.

_Emperor of G-rm-ny_.--To stay at home.

_King of P-rtug-l_.--To accept the situation in Africa.

_President C-rn-t_.--To forget the existence of Egypt.

_King of Sp-n_.--To master the difficulties of the Alphabet.

_Emperor of A-str-a_.--Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both ends
meet.

_Lord S-l-sb-ry_.--To prepare for the General Election.

_Mr. Gl-dst-ne_.--To explain Home Rule.

_Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_.--To give up racing in favour of politics.

_Mr. H.M. St-nl-y_.--To re-write _Darkest Africa_.

_General B-th_.--To publish a balance-sheet that will please all.

_Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_.-