* * * * *

[Illustration]

* * * * *

THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.

_January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was
created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the
Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this
out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away
if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock
teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours
of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On
the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of
PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to
SHERIDAN.

_February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival.
Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This
said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This
capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
laugh until the end of the month.

_March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you
take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a
jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the
turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a
hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe
"1801?--the year of my birth!"

_April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_
Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the
_Times_.

_May_.--You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
explain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR's
Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceit
a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebrated
songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles from
London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like
"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expect
any one to laugh.

_June_.--The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical l