id
to be a Divine Waltzer at these Balls that cost the Gents 50 cents each
and the Ladies get in free.

There was a Girl named Essie who was Hanging Around the Front of the
Store about half of the Time, waiting to get a Chance to Speak to Bert.
She Chewed Gum and kept her Sailor Hat pulled down to her Eyebrows and
had her Name worked out in Wire and used it as a Breastpin. After she
had waited an Hour or so, and he had Broken Away long enough to take her
aside, she would want to know what it was that Net had said about her,
or else she would ask why he had not Answered her Note. It was always
just about as Momentous as that.

If Essie did not come, she sent some one with a Message, and sometimes
other Floor Managers with Red Neckties and Forelocks would come in to
see about the Arrangements for the next Grand Hop by the Eucalyptus
Pleasure Club.

[Illustration: ESSIE]

Bert was so Engrossed with his Love Affairs and the Pleasure Club and
the Bundle of Correspondence that he carried with him that he had little
Time for Furnishing Goods. It used to Annoy him considerably when any
one came in and wanted to Spend Money. He would set out the Goods in a
Manner that showed it to be something of a Come-Down for him to be
compelled to Wait on Outsiders. While the Customer would be asking
Questions, Bert would be working the Flexible Neck to see if Essie was
still waiting for him. Sometimes when there was a Rush he would get real
Cross, and if People did not Buy in a Hurry he would slam the Boxes
around and be Lippy and give them the Eye. Yet he wondered why he did
not get a Raise in Salary.

During the Holiday Season, when the Eucalyptus Pleasure Club was simply
in a Delirium of All-Night Dances and Fried-Oyster Suppers, and when
Essie had worn a Path in the Snow coming down to tell Bert not to
Forget, the Proprietor decided that the Boy's Job was interfering with
his Gaiety. So when Bert came to get his Envelope the Furnisher told him
he needed more Outdoor Life and Exercise, and he had better find it by
moving around Town and looking for another Job.

MORAL: _Omit the Essie Proposition_.

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ MICHIGAN COUNTERFEIT WHO WASN'T ONE THING _OR THE_
OTHER

Two Travelers sat in a Sleeping Car that was fixed up with Plush and
Curly-Cues until it resembled a Chambermaid's Dream of Paradise. They
were talking about the Man who sat across the Aisle.

"I think he is an Englishman," said the First Travel