ARENT.

SIR,--Have you read Lord WOLSELEY's article in this month's _Harper_? He
advises a higher rate of pay for the rank and file of the British Army?
_Verbum sap._ You understand. It is clear what you must do with your
surplus. Ensure TOMMY ATKINS six-and-six-pence a day, and you will have
every Regiment in the Service thronged with real live Gentlemen. This is
what is wanted (so I gather from Lord W.'s article) to make the British
Army, if not the most costly, at least the most respectable in the
world. Come, Sir, do not make it necessary that you should be reminded a
second time of your plain and obvious duty by

A SANGUINE AND EXPECTANT PRIVATE.

SIR,--There can be no doubt in regard to the proper destination of those
surplus millions, the fitting disposition of which, I am informed, is
involving you in no little perplexity. They seem in a special manner to
furnish the legitimate answer to the almost universal cry, now going
forth, for "Free Education." Here then is your opportunity. And it is a
magnificent one. Your surplus will enable a wise and paternal Government
to give not merely education, free of cost, to every child in the three
kingdoms, but will supply it with ample means to infuse the very highest
culture attainable into the very dregs of the population. Spanish,
Italian, German, Russian, French, Chinese, together with riding,
dancing, painting in oil colours, hydrostatics, and the elements of
Court etiquette, will, henceforth, comprise the curriculum of the
veriest gutter-child.

Can you, Sir, contemplate such a brilliant, such a soul-stirring
prospect unmoved? That you cannot, and will at once hand over your
useful millions for the purpose of carrying into effect the above modest
but magnificent scheme, is the firm belief of yours suggestively,

THE LATEST TEACHER OF THE YOUNG IDEA.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A DIAGNOSIS.]

"IT SAYS 'ERE, AS YOUR OLD BOSS, COLONEL M'WHUSKEY, HAS BEEN TOOK
ILL."--"AH! SO I 'ERD!"--"RUSSIAN EPIDEMIC?"--"NO,--SCOTCH."

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

[Illustration: Book Markers.]

"Bring me my Scotch Dictionary!" cried the Baron. "Alas, my Lord!" was
the answer of the faithful servitor, "there is none such here."
"I'fakins!" quoth the Baron, "then will I buckle to and read _A Window
in Thrums_ without it, even though I break all my teeth and nigh choke
myself, as indeed, I have well-nigh do