, ain't he? _I_ taught him most o'
what he knows!

_A French Passenger_ (_to Conductor_). Dis done, mon ami, est-ce qu'on
peut voir d'ici le champ de bataille?

_Conductor_ (_with proper pride_). It ain't no use your torkin to
_me_, Mossoo; I don't speak no French myself. (_To CULCHARD._) See
that field there, Sir?

_Culchard_ (_interested_). On the right? Yes, what happened _there_?

[Illustration: "Leesten, I dell you vonce more."]

_Cond._ Fine lot o' rabbits inside o' there--big fat 'uns. (_To
another Passenger_.) No, Sir, that ain't Belly Lions as you see from
'ere; that's Mon Sin Jeean, and over there Oogymong, and Chalyroy to
the left.

ON THE TOP OF THE MOUND.

_CULCHARD, who has purchased a map in the Waterloo Museum as
a means of approaching Miss TROTTER, is pounced upon by an
elderly Belgian Guide in a blue blouse, from whom he finds it
difficult to escape._

_The Guide_ (_fixing CULCHARD with a pair of rheumy eyes and a
gnarled forefinger_). You see vere is dat schmall voodt near de vite
'ouse? not dere, along my shdeek--so. Dat is vare PEECTON vas kill,
Inglis Officer, PEECTON. Two days pefore he vas voundet in de ahum. 'E
say to his sairvan', "You dell ennipoddies, I keel you!" He vandt
to pe in ze bataille: he _vas_ in ze bataille--seven lance troo im,
seven; PEECTON, Inglis Officer. (_CULCHARD nods his head miserably._)
Hah, you 'ave de shart dere--open 'im out vide, dat de odder
shentilmans see. (_CULCHARD obeys, spell-bound._) Vare you see dat
blue gross, Vaterloo Shirshe, vere Loart UXBREEDGE lose 'is laig. Zey
cot 'im off and pury him in ze cott-yardt, and a villow grow oudt of
'im. 'E com 'ere to see the villow growing oudt of his laig.

_Culch._ (_abandoning his map, and edging towards Miss TROTTER_).
Hem--we are gazing upon one of the landmarks of our national
history--Miss TROTTER.

_Miss T._ That's a vurry interesting re-mark. I presume you must
have studied up some for a reflection of that kind. Mr. PODBURY, your
friend has been telling me-- [_She repeats CULCHARD's remark._

_Podb._ (_with interest_). Got any _more_ of those, old fellow?

[_CULCHARD moves away with disgusted hauteur._

_The Guide_ (_re-capturing him_). Along dat gross vay, VELLAINTON meet
BLUSHAIR. Prussian general, BLUSHAIR, VELLAINTON 'e com hier. I see
'im. Ven 'e see ze maundt 'e vos vair angri. 'E say, "Eet is no ze
battle-fiel' no more--I com back nevare!" Zat aidge is vere de
Scots