brains are out--goes about with his coffin under his arm, like my worthy
uncle? and suppose he blandly, politely, relentlessly insists upon
reading to you, out of that octavo sarcophagus, passages which in his
opinion prove that he is not only not dead, but immortal? If such a man
be a stranger, snub him; if a casual acquaintance, met in an evil hour,
there is still hope,--doors have locks, and there are two sides to a
street, and nearsightedness is a blessing, and (as a last resort)
buttons may be sacrificed (you remember Lamb's story of Coleridge), and
left in the clutch of the fatal fingers. But one of your own kindred,
and very respectable, adding the claim of misfortune to his other claims
upon you,--pachydermatous to slights, smilingly persuasive, gently
persistent,--as imperturbable as a ship's wooden figurehead through all
the ups and downs of the voyage of life, and as insensible to cold
water;--in short, an uncle like my uncle, whom there was no getting rid
of;--what the deuce would you do?

Exactly; run away as I did. There was nothing else to be done, unless,
indeed, I had throttled the old gentleman; in which case I am confident
that one of our modern model juries would have brought in the popular
verdict of justifiable insanity. But, being a peaceable man, I was
averse to extreme measures. So I did the next best thing,--consulted my
wife, and retired to this village.

Then consider the shock to my feelings when I looked up that day and saw
the enemy of our peace stalking into our little Paradise with his book
under his arm and his carpet-bag in his hand! coming with his sermons
and his shirts, prepared to stay a week--that is to say a year--that is
to say forever, if we would suffer him,--and how was he to be hindered
by any desperate measures short of burning the house down!

"My dear nephew!" says he, striding toward me with eager steps, as you
perhaps remember, smiling his eternally dry, leathery smile,--"Nephew
Frederick!"--and he held out both hands to me, book in one and bag in
t'other,--"I am rejoiced! One would almost think you had tried to hide
away from your old uncle! for I've been three days hunting you up. And
how is Dolly? she ought to be glad to see me, after all the trouble I've
had in finding you! And, Nephew Frederick!--h'm!--can you lend me three
dollars for the hackman? for I don't happen to have--thank you! I should
have been saved this if you had only known I was stopping last nigh