who will not say to
Ollapod, 'Thank you, good sir, I owe you one'?

"Ah me! how I used to read those jolly unctuous authors when I was
young, in the old 'sitting-room' at home! The great fire-place glows
before me now; its light dances on the wall; my mother's hand is on my
head; my sister's eyes are beaming on her lover over in the darker
corner; there is a murmur of pleasant voices; there are quiet mirth and
deep joy. I lose myself in revery when I think of these pleasures, and
almost forget the Funny Fellow.

"He is pestiferous. If I were in the habit of profanity, I would let
loose upon him an octagonal oath. If I were a man of muscle, it would be
pleasant to get his head in chancery, and bruise it. It would be a
relief to serve him with subpoenas, or present him long bills and demand
immediate payment. Was my name providentially ordered to be Green, that
he might pass verbal contumely upon it? Does he suppose that a man can
live thirty-five years in this state of probation, without becoming
slightly calloused to a pun on his own name? Yet he continues to pun on
mine as if the process were highly amusing. Then again he interrupts
any little attempts at pleasing conversation with his infernal
absurdities. I was speaking one day at the dinner-table of a well-known
orator who had been entertaining the town, and I flatter myself that my
remarks were critically just as well as deeply interesting. The wretched
being interposed--

"'Mr. Green, when you say there was too much American Eagle in the
speaker's discourse, do you mean that it was a talon-ted production, and
to what claws of the speech do you especially refer?'

"Miss Pipkin, who had been deeply intent on my observations, commenced
to titter; what could I do but hang my head and swallow the rest of the
meal in silence? If I had been possessed of a quick tongue, I would have
lashed him with sarcasms, and Pipkin would have rejoiced with me in his
groans. But no--I am slow of speech--and so I was bound to submit. After
that he was more tyrannical than ever. He would come stealthily into my
room and garotte me in a conversational way. He would seem to take me by
the throat, saying, 'why don't you laugh--why don't you burst with
merriment?' and then I would force a dismal grin, just to get rid of
him.

"I said to myself, I will leave this selfish Sahara called the city and
county of New York I will leave its dust, dirt, carts, confusion, bulls,
bears, Peter Fun