teach 'em to do interestin things, but they're
onreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once, who would dance, and
larf, and lay down, and bow his head in grief, and give a mournful wale,
etsetry. But he often annoyed me. It will be remembered that on the
occasion of the first battle of Bull Run, it suddenly occurd to the
Fed'ral soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought not to
be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city,
maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would have
done credit to the celebrated French steed _Gladiateur_. Very nat'rally
our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat; and I said to my Bear
shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition in Ohio--I said, "Brewin, are
you not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat?" His business
was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band (a barrel origin and
a wiolin) playing slow and melancholy moosic. What did the grizzly old
cuss do, however, but commence darncin and larfin in the most joyous
manner? I had a narrer escape from being imprisoned for
disloyalty.--_Works_.

FROM THE "LECTURE."

Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American Skeleton for a
tour through Australia. He was the thinnest man I ever saw. He was a
splendid skeleton. He didn't weigh any thing scarcely,--and I said to
myself,--the people of Australia will flock to see this tremendous
curiosity. It is a long voyage--as you know--from New York to
Melbourne--and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out
to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. He
had never been on the ocean before--and he said it agreed with
him.--I thought so!--I never saw a man eat so much in my life.
Beef--mutton--pork--he swallowed them all like a shark--and between
meals he was often discovered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs.
The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton
weighed sixty-four pounds more than I did!

I thought I was ruined--but I wasn't. I took him on to
California--another very long sea voyage--and when I got him to San
Francisco I exhibited him as a fat man.

This story hasn't any thing to do with my Entertainment, I know--but one
of the principal features of my Entertainment is that it contains so
many things that don't have any thing to do with it....

* * * * *

I like Music.--I can't sing. As a singist I am not a succes