their national
beverage is only equalled by his zeal on behalf of their national
food, rejoiced in the prospect that fewer oats for high-mettled racers
would mean more "parritch" for humble constituents.

[Illustration: THE PROPOSED DEMOLITION OF THE LADIES' GRILLE.

_The SPEAKER and Sir A. MOND_ (_together_). "AFTER YOU, SIR."]

There never was a dockyard Member who more faithfully fulfilled
the House of Commons' conception of the type than Sir CLEMENT
KINLOCH-COOKE. In a comparatively short Parliamentary career he must
have already cost the country a pretty penny in extra pay and pensions
to the "mateys" and "matlows" of Devonport. Latterly he has given the
Admiralty a rest and has devoted himself to strafing the Home Office
for its alleged tenderness to the Conscientious Objectors lodged at
Princetown--a race of sturdy beggars, according to his account, who
live like fighting-cocks, do next to no work, get leave periodically
to air their eloquence at pacifist meetings, and, worst of all,
invade his constituency in their leisure hours. Mr. SHIRLEY BENN,
who represents the neighbouring borough of Plymouth, supported this
indictment, and added the amazing detail that one of the Princetown
pacifists was an ex-pugilist.

[Illustration: THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER LYING IN WAIT FOR A
RICH PRIZE.]

Invited to select from the 670 members of the House the two men least
likely to engage in personal violence I should have thought myself
safe in choosing Sir GEORGE GREENWOOD and Mr. JOSEPH KING. The former
is so devoted to animals that he would not turn upon a worm; the
thought of bloodshed so shocks the latter that he welcomes any
suggestion of peace however illusory. But, when Mr. KING described a
proposal of Sir GEORGE'S as "infected with Prussianism," that gallant
knight promptly invited him to repeat his language outside the House;
and Mr. KING, nothing daunted, declared his readiness "to meet the
hon. Member where he likes and with whatever weapons he likes." If
the meeting had come off it is believed that Blue Books at forty yards
would have been the choice; but, happily, peace was soon afterwards
restored.

_Tuesday, May 1st._--Some of our super-patriots have no luck. Mr.
JOYNSON-HICKS, having discovered that the British Vice-Consul at Riga
was a gentleman with the suspicious name of WISKEMANN, thought that he
had got hold of a sure thing--not the whole Hidden Hand, perhaps, but
certainly one of the phalanges