Will none of you demolish PRINGLE
And utterly extinguish HOGGE?

* * * * *

OF MARGARINE: _C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas le beurre._

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Friend_ (_to animal painter_). "I SAY, OLD CHAP, YOU
LOOK A BIT OFF COLOUR TO-DAY."

_Artist_. "YES, I AM. I CAN'T DO A STROKE OF WORK."

_Friend_. "ONE OF YOUR MEATLESS DAYS, IN FACT."]

* * * * *

THE MUD LARKS.

IN the long long-ago, Frobisher and I, assisted by a handful of native
troopers, kept the flag flying at M'Vini.

We hoisted it to the top of a tree at sun-up, where it remained,
languidly flapping its tatters over leagues of Central African bush
till sun-set, when we hauled it down again--an arduous life. After
we had been at M'Vini about six months, had shot everything worth
shooting, and knew one another's funny stories off by heart, Frobisher
and I grew bored with each other, hated in fact the sight, sound and
mere propinquity of each other, and, shutting ourselves up in our
separate huts, communicated only on occasions of the direct necessity,
and then by the curtest of official notes. Thus a further three months
dragged on.

Then one red-hot afternoon came Frobisher's boy to my wattle-and-dab,
bearing a note.

"Visitor approaching from S.W. got up like a May-Queen; think it
must be the KAISER. Lend me a bottle of whisky and mount guard--must
impress the blighter."

I attached my last bottle of Scotch to the messenger and sallied
forth to mount a guard, none too easy a job, as the Army had gone to
celebrate somebody's birthday in the neighbouring village. However, I
discovered one remaining trooper lying in the shade of a loquat-tree.
He was sick--dying, he assured me; but I persuaded him to postpone
his demise for at least half-an-hour, requisitioned his physician (the
local witch doctor) and two camp followers, and, leaving my cook-boy
to valet them, dashed to my hut to make my own toilet. A glimpse
through the cane mats five minutes later showed me that our visitors
had arrived.

A fruity German officer in full gala rig (white gloves and all)
was cruising about on mule-back before our camp, trying to discover
whether it was inhabited or not. We let him cruise for a quarter of
an hour without taking any steps to enlighten him. Then, at a given
signal, Frobisher, caparisoned in every fal-lal he could collect,
issued from