"'Twas in the fust few months o' the War,
An' the vessel wot I was on
Was layin' a couple of cables from shore;
I'd pulled to the steps in the scullin' boat
To get some thread for the skipper's coat
Where the seam of the arm 'ad gone.

"I was driftin' back on the fallin' tide,
And feeling a trifle queer,
When somethin' grated agin the side;
I sat up straight and I scratched my 'ead;
'There ain't no rocks round 'ere,' I said,
'It must 'ave bin all that beer.'

"When suddenly close on my starboard beam,
With scarcely a foot between
(I can see it now like an 'ijjus dream),
Rearin' its 'ead like a pisonous snake
Was a periscope, an' I saw the wake
Of a big 'Un submarine.

"An' I knew the ship wos an easy mark,
Like shootin' a sittin' 'en,
For the sky wos bright an' 'er 'ull wos dark
With the 'ole of 'er broadside showin' clear--
Couldn't 'ave missed, she was layin' so near,
If 'e 'd got 'er bearin's then.

"I saw 'is cruel little eye
A-swivellin' stem to starn;
'Now, Wells,' I ses, 'you must do or die,'
So I crammed my cap a-top o' the slit
And lashed it fast in place with a bit,
Wot I'd pinched, of the bo'sun's yarn.

"'E wos blinded, of course, an' 'e sank like a stone,
Which wos all that the blighter could do,
An' I 'urried to speak to the skipper alone;
I found 'im pacin' the quarter-deck,
An' I told 'im the truth in every respec'
The same as I'm tellin' you.

"Well, 'e looked me up an' 'e looked me down
Till I felt my cheeks go warm,
For I knowed there wos somethin' adrift by 'is frown;
Then 'e closed 'is jaw with a wicious snap;
'Where,' ses 'e, 'is your perishin' cap?
Do you call that uniform?.'

"An' so long as Brittanyer is queen of the sea,
Which is wot she 'as always bin,
You may do your dooty as well as me,
But you won't 'ave no credit at all for the same
Unless you give 'eed to the rules of the game,
Which is Service Discipline."

* * * * *

OUR POLYGAMISTS.

"The bride carried a sheaf of harem lilies and orchids."--_Provincial
Paper_.

* * * * *

[Illustration: WAR-TIME IN THE WILD WEST.

POSTMORTEM PETE APPEARS BEFORE THE LONE GULCH TRIBUNAL TO PLEAD FOR
EXEMPTION ON CONSCIENTIOUS GROUNDS.]

* * * * *

DOCKING THE DRAMA.

It has been reported that, in view of