TON has been made an Honorary Member of the Society of
Correctors of the Press.

***

_The Evening News_ informs us that Mr. HENRY WHITE, a grave-digger of
Hellingly, has just dug his thousandth grave. Congratulations to our
contemporary upon being the first to spread the joyful news.

***

Unfortunately, says _The Daily Mail_, Lord NORTHCLIFFE cannot be in four
places at once. Pending a direct contradiction from the new Viscount
himself, we can only counsel the country to bear this announcement with
fortitude.

***

Only the other day _The Daily Chronicle_ referred to the Premier as "Mr.
George," just as if it had always been a penny paper.

***

The rush to a certain Northern suburb has died down. The rumour that
there was a polite grocer there turns out to be cruelly at variance with
the facts.

* * * * *

[Illustration: JOY-RIDING UP-TO-DATE.

THE UNDEFEATED WAR-PROFITEER.]

* * * * *

ANOTHER SEX-PROBLEM.

"Plaintiff was the daughter of an officer in the Royal Irish
Constabulary, and was a grand-nephew of Dr. Abernethy, the famous
surgeon."--_Evening Paper_.

* * * * *

From a recent novel:--

"His face was of the good oatmeal type, and grew upon one."

Useful in these days of rations.

* * * * *
From _The New Statesman's_ comment on Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S Paris speech.

"He does try to be Biblical sometimes. In the Paris speech he used
the unnatural word 'yea' twice. Each time it gave one shudders down
the back."

No doubt next time, in view of our obligations to U.S.A., the PRIME
MINISTER will say "Yep."

* * * * *

THE VICTORY.

[_For J.B., with the author's affectionate pride._]

HINDENBURG TO MACKENSEN.

Dear MAC, in that prodigious thrust
In which your valiant legions vie
With HANNIBAL'S renown, I trust
You go a shade more strong than I;
Lately I've lost a lot of scalps,
Which is a dem'd unpleasant thing;
You may enjoy the Julian Alps--
I do not like this JULIAN BYNG.

I find him full of crafty pranks:
Without the usual warning fire
He loosed his beastly rows of tanks
And sent 'em wallowing through my wire;
For days and days he kept the lid
Hard down upon his low designs,
Then simply walked across and did
Just what he liked wit