the point where a woman's reason is overthrown, I see
that I was always selfish, absorbed in my own problems and vanities, my
own disappointments, grievances, emotions. It was what I could get out
of life, not what I could give, that concerned me. I was vain of my good
looks. I craved admiration.

Once I wrote in my diary:

"I often stand before my mirror at night before I go to bed and admire
my own sombre beauty. I let my hair fall in a black cloud over my
shoulders, then I braid it slowly with bare arms lifted in graceful
poses. I sway my hips like Carmen, I thrust red flowers into my bosom. I
move my head languidly, letting my white teeth gleam between red lips. I
study my profile with a hand glass, getting the double reflection. I
smile and beckon with my eyes. Yes, I am a beautiful woman--primeval,
elemental--I was made for love."

Again I wrote, showing that I half understood the perils that beset me:

"Women are moths, they love to play with fire. They are irresistibly
driven--like poor little birds that dash themselves against a
lighthouse--towards the burning excitements connected with the
allurement of men. They live for admiration. The besetting sin of all
women is vanity; _vanity is a woman's consciousness of her power over
men._"

And again:

"It is almost impossible for a fascinating woman not to flirt a
little--sometimes. For example, she passes a man on the street, a
distinguished looking man. She does not know him, but their eyes have
met in a certain way and she feels that he is attracted by her. She has
on a pretty dress with a bunch of violets. She wonders whether this man
has turned back to look at her--she is sure he has--she longs to look
back. No matter how much culture and breeding she has, _she longs to
look back_!"

No wonder that, with such thoughts and inclinations, I was always more
or less under temptation with men, who were drawn to me, I suppose, just
as I was drawn to them. And I tried to excuse myself in the old way, as
here:

"It is certain that some women have strong emotional desires, whereas
other women have none at all or scarcely any. This fact has an evident
bearing upon the question of women's morality. Some women must be judged
more leniently than others. I have wondered if there are similar
differences in men. I doubt it!"

Of course I had agitating experiences with men because I half invited
them. It seemed as if I could not help it. As I said to myself, I was