ess. I know this to my sorrow!

Perhaps I am morbid. Perhaps I see life too clearly, know it too well. I
do not want to be cynical or bitter. Oh, if only those old days of faith
and trust could come back to me! When I think of what I was before I
married Julian I see that I was almost like a child in my ignorance of
the animal side of man's nature....

* * * * *

_Friday._

Dr. Owen thinks my trouble is shell shock, but he is mistaken. I have
taken care of too many shell shock cases not to recognize the symptoms.
Can I ever forget that darling soldier boy from Maryland who mistook me
for his mother? "They're coming! They're coming!" he screamed one night;
you could hear him all over the hospital. Then he jumped out of bed like
a wild man--it took two orderlies and an engineer to get him back under
the covers. I can see his poor wasted face when the little doctor came
to give him a hypodermic. There he lay panting, groaning: "Oh those
guns! Oh those guns! They break my ears!" Then he sprang up again, his
eyes starting out of his head: "Look out, there! On the ammunition
cart! Look out, Bill! Oh my God, they've got Bill--my pal! Blown him to
hell! Oh, oh, oh!" and he put his head down and sobbed like a woman.
That is shell shock. I have nothing like that. I know what I am doing.

* * * * *

There was a storm today with great crashing waves, then everything grew
calm under a golden sunset. I take this as a good omen. I feel happier
already. The infinite peace of Nature is quieting my soul. I love the
sea. I can almost say my prayers to the sea.

* * * * *

_Saturday._

The swimming master pays me extravagant compliments every morning when I
splash about in the pool. I know my body is beautiful. Thank God, I have
never imprisoned it in corsets.

I love the exercises I do in my room every morning. They bring back the
play spirit of my childhood. When I get out of bed I slip into a loose
garment, then I lie on the floor and stretch my spine along the
carpet--it's wonderful how this exhilarates one. After that I take deep
breaths at the open window, raising and lowering my arms--up as I draw
my breath in, down as I throw it out. Then I lie down again and lift my
legs straight up, the right, the left, then both together. I do this
twenty times, resting between changes and taking deep breaths.

I sit cross-legged on the floo