no doubt be
thoroughly refitted and refurnished throughout. The little
writing-table in each room would have its legs reglued, new wicks would
be inserted in the kerosene lamps, the stairs would be dazzled over with
soft soap, and the teeth in the comb down in the wash-room would be
reset and filled. Numerous changes would be made in the corps de ballet
also. The large-handed chambermaid, with the cow-catcher teeth and the
red Brazil-nut of hair on the back of her head, would be sent down in
the dining-room to recite that little rhetorical burst so often rendered
by the elocutionist of the dining-room--the smart Aleckutionist, in the
language of the poet, beginning: "Bfsteakprkstk'ncoldts," with a falling
inflection that sticks its head into the bosom of the earth and gives
its tail a tremolo movement in the air.

On receipt of $5 from each one of the traveling men of the union new
hinges would be put into the slippery-elm towels; the pink soap would be
revarnished; the different kinds of meat on the table will have tags on
them, stating in plain words what kinds of meat they are so that guests
will not be forced to take the word of servant or to rely on their own
judgement; fresh vinegar with a sour taste to it, and without microbes,
will be put in the cruets; the old and useless cockroaches will be
discharged; and the latest and most approved adjuncts of hotel life will
be adopted.

Why, then, should the traveling man hesitate? Why should he doubt and
draw back, falter and shrink? Why should he allow pessimism and other
foreign substances to get into his system and change his whole life?

Let him remit $5 to the Roller Towel House, and if this should prove a
success he may assist other hotels in the same manner. He would thus
feel an interest in their growth and prosperity. Then, as he became more
and more forehanded, he could assist the railroads, the 'bus lines, and
the boot-blacks, barbers, laundries, &c., in the same manner. I would
like to call upon the American people in the same way.

I would like very much to establish a nice, expensive home for
inebriates. It would cost, properly fitted up, about $750,000 or
$800,000. If those who read this article will lend $50, by express or
draft, I will take it out of their bill the first time they will stop at
my new and attractive inebriate asylum. Who will be the first to
contribute?--_Boston Globe._

BILL NYE "INCUBATES."

_My Dear Son:_ We are still pe