"the fool and his money are soon parted." Your father,

_Bill Nye._

BILL NYE ON TOBACCO.--A DISCOURAGER OF CANNIBALISM.

I am glad to notice a strong effort on the part of the friends of
humanity to encourage those who wish to quit the use of tobacco. To
quit the use of this weed is one of the most agreeable methods of
relaxation. I have tried it a great many times, and I can safely say
that it has afforded me much solid felicity.

To violently reform and cast away the weed and at the end of a week to
find a good cigar unexpectedly in the quiet, unostentatious pocket of an
old vest, affords the most intense and delirious delight.

Scientists tell us that a single drop of the concentrated oil of tobacco
on the tongue of an adult dog is fatal. I have no doubt about the truth
or cohesive power of this statement, and for that reason I have always
been opposed to the use of tobacco among dogs. Dogs should shun the
concentrated oil of tobacco, especially if longevity be any object to
them. Neither would I advise a man who may have canine tendencies or a
strain of that blood in his veins to use the concentrated oil of tobacco
as a sozodont. To those who may feel that way about tobacco I would say,
shun it by all means. Shun it as you would the deadly upas tree or the
still more deadly whipple tree of the topics.

In what I may say under this head please bear in mind that I do not
speak of the cigarette. I am now confining my remarks entirely to the
subject of tobacco.

The use of the cigarette is, in fact, beneficial in in some ways, and
no pest house should try to get along without it. It is said that they
are very popular in the orient, especially in the lazar houses, where
life would otherwise become very monotonous.

Scientists, who have been unable to successfully use tobacco and who
therefore have given their whole lives and the use of their microscopes
to the investigation of its horrors, say that cannibals will not eat the
flesh of tobacco-using human beings. And yet we say to our missionaries:
"No man can be a Christian and use tobacco."

I say, and I say it, too, with all that depth of feeling which has
always characterized my earnest nature, that in this we are committing a
great error.

What have the cannibals ever done for us as a people that we should
avoid the use of tobacco in order to fit our flesh for their tables. In
what way have they sought to ameliorate our condition in life that w