out! for I am deaf!
Alas! how could I proclaim the deficiency of a sense which ought to have
been more perfect with me than with other men--a sense which I once
possessed in the highest perfection, to an extent indeed that few of my
profession ever enjoyed! Alas! I cannot do this! Forgive me therefore
when you see me withdraw from you with whom I would so gladly mingle. My
misfortune is doubly severe from causing me to be misunderstood. No
longer can I enjoy recreation in social intercourse, refined
conversation, or mutual outpourings of thought. Completely isolated, I
only enter society when compelled to do so. I must live like an exile.
In company I am assailed by the most painful apprehensions, from the
dread of being exposed to the risk of my condition being observed. It
was the same during the last six months I spent in the country. My
intelligent physician recommended me to spare my hearing as much as
possible, which was quite in accordance with my present disposition,
though sometimes, tempted by my natural inclination for society, I
allowed myself to be beguiled into it. But what humiliation when any one
beside me heard a flute in the far distance, while I heard _nothing_, or
when others heard _a shepherd singing_, and I still heard _nothing!_
Such things brought me to the verge of desperation, and well-nigh caused
me to put an end to my life. _Art! art_ alone, deterred me. Ah! how
could I possibly quit the world before bringing forth all that I felt it
was my vocation to produce? And thus I spared this miserable life--so
utterly miserable that any sudden change may reduce me at any moment
from my best condition into the worst. It is decreed that I must now
choose _Patience_ for my guide! This I have done. I hope the resolve
will not fail me, steadfastly to persevere till it may please the
inexorable Fates to cut the thread of my life. Perhaps I may get better,
perhaps not. I am prepared for either. Constrained to become a
philosopher in my twenty-eighth year! This is no slight trial, and more
severe on an artist than on any one else. God looks into my heart, he
searches it, and knows that love for man and feelings of benevolence
have their abode there! Oh! ye who may one day read this, think that you
have done me injustice; and let any one similarly afflicted be consoled
by finding one like himself, who, in defiance of all the obstacles of
nature, has done all in his power to be included in the ranks of
estimabl