* * *

A well-known Actor has lately been deprived of his customary allowance
of fat. His loss of weight (in avoirdupois) has been computed at
five-sixteenths of the integral cubit of a patent accumulator's
vertical boiling power, divided by the fractional resistance of a
plate-glass window to a two-horse-power catapult.

* * * * *

The weather has been variable, with cryptoconchoidal deflections of a
solid reverberating isobar previously tested in a solution of zinc and
soda-water. This indicates cold weather in December next.

* * * * *

Consols 1/50094th better. Wheat in demand. Jute firm. Bank rate too
fast to last.

* * * * *

A Politician, whose name has been frequently mentioned during the
late crisis, has stated it as his opinion that a temperance orator's
powers of persuasion are to a moral victory as a Prime Minister is
to a willow-pattern dinner-plate. The remark caused much excitement
in the lobby, where this gentleman's humorous sallies never lack
appreciators.

* * * * *

What is this I hear of a certain Noble Duke, well-known in sporting
circles, having accepted a three months' engagement to appear in a
"comic character sketch of his own composition," at a long-established
East End-Music Hall? If there is any truth in the rumour, I should
like to ask _what the Duchess has been about?_

* * * * *

A distinguished Oxford Mathematical Professor has, just after
prolonged and patient research, established the undoubted certainty
of the following interesting facts beyond any possible question or
controversy:--That the quantity of Almond Rock Hard Bake, consumed in
the United Kingdom in the year terminating on the 15th of May last,
amounted to 17 lbs. 9 oz. for each member of the population, including
women and children. That if at all the old and discarded Chimney Pot
Hats for a like period were collected in a heap, and packed closely
together, they would fill a building twice the height of St. Paul's,
and three times the length of the Crystal Palace. That winners of
the Derby who have become eventually four-wheeler cab-horses are
ninety-six in number, but that there is _only one authentic_ instance
of a four-wheeler cab-horse having become a Derby winner.

* * * * *

So great is the craze for the