be
all right then.

_Capt._ Very well--then we will dispense with inspection of arms.
Buttons bright, and straps in their proper places?

_Serg._ (_doubtfully_). So they say, Sir.

_Capt._ Well, then, read the orders.

_Serg._ Beg pardon, Sir, but the men say they know their duty, and
don't want to listen to no orders.

_Capt._ Well, well, I am glad to hear that they are so patriotic. Hope
that the Commanding Officer will dispense (under the circumstances)
with the formality. Anything more?

_Serg._ Privates BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON are told off for duty on
guard, Sir.

_Capt._ March them off, then.

_Serg._ Please, Sir, they say they want to speak to you.

_Capt._ Very well--bring them up. (Sergeant _obeys_.) Now, men, what
is it?

_Private Brown_. Please, Sir, I have got a tooth-ache.

_Capt._ Very well--fall out, and go to the doctor.

_Private B._ Please, Sir, I don't want to see no doctor. I can cure
myself.

_Capt._ Very well--cure yourself. (Private _salutes, and retires._)
And now, JONES and ROBINSON, what do you want?

_Private Jones_. Please, Sir, me and ROBINSON were told off for
guard six months ago, and we think it's too much to expect us to do
sentry-go so soon.

_Capt._ Well, you know your orders.

_Private J._ Oh, that'll be all right, Sir! We'll explain to the War
Office if there's any row about it!

[The Privates salute, and retire.

_Capt._ Anything else, Sergeant?

_Sergt._ Well, no, Sir--you see the men won't do anything.

_Capt._ Under those circumstances, I suppose I have only to give the
usual words of command. Company, attention! Right turn--dismiss!

[They dismiss.

SCENE II.--BEFORE THE ENEMY. PRESENT--NO. 1 COMPANY AWAITING ORDERS
TO ADVANCE.

_Captain_.--Now, my men, all you have to do is to keep your heads, and
obey orders. Attention! Fix Bayonets!

_Subaltern_. Sorry to say, Sir, they have paraded without bayonets.

_Capt._ Well, that's to be regretted; although they are small enough
nowadays, in all conscience! Fire a volley! At a thousand yards!
Ready!

_Sub._ Very sorry. Sir, but the men forgot to bring their ammunition.

_Capt._--Come, this is getting serious! Here's the Cavalry preparing
to charge, and we are useless! Must move 'em off! Right turn!

_Sergeant_. Please, Sir, the Company's a bit rusty, and don't know
their right hands from their left.

_Capt._ (_losing his temper_). Confound it! They don't, don't
they! Well, hang it a